You Ruined Me
by AB24
Summary: Chlack songfic based on You Ruined Me by JC Chasez. Post Day 6


_I could be the first to let you know_

_That nothing means anything_

_Now I'm standing here outside your door in the pouring rain_

_And I can't believe_

He didn't know why he was here. He only knew that he _had_ to be here. He'd tried to run away, tried to start over, tried to satisfy himself with cheap thrills, tried to forget who he was and where he came from, but somehow he always ended up here again. Previous times he'd seen the two cars parked in the driveway, seen the shadows of the two figures through the windows, and could never bring himself to knock. She was the only one he wanted to see, the only one he _needed_ to see, but she was never alone when he'd come. She had her life, had a man she loved, had a budding family. He'd scold himself for trying to intrude on that life and leave, going back to his empty life and to the nothingness that awaited him there. But this time it was different.

The rain had started to come down hard, bouncing loudly off the pavement underneath his feet as he took in the sight of one car in the driveway, one shadow in the window, the one person he came here for. At last he brought himself to the front doorway, hesitating only slightly before knocking lightly on the door. He ran a hand through his soaked hair as he waited, unknowingly holding his breath until she opened the door.

The sight of her almost took his breath away. Her hair was longer than he'd remembered, still a dark auburn hue. Her pregnant belly was swollen only a little bit, but her face glowed with all of the love of a new mother-to-be. She was the picture of beauty to his tired eyes, and it was suddenly all too cleat to him why he had come.

"Jack? Wh...what are you doing here?"

He couldn't bear the thought of actually telling her the reasons why. The last few months had been like nothing he'd seen before, like nothing he'd felt before. The sheer emptiness, the loneliness, the memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the isolation, the feeling that he was lost for good this time, that he'd simply lost too much to ever find his way back home.

_Nothing's supposed to get to me_

_Now I'm in this misery_

"Jack?"

Without a word he pulled her out of the doorway and into the rain, holding her against him as he brought his lips down to hers in a kiss that shocked both in its instant electricity. She sunk into him, pulling him even closer, reveling in his heat and losing herself to him for what seemed like an eternity and a mere split second all at the same time.

With a gasp she pulled away, clutching his shoulders and shivering slightly from the coolness of the pouring rain. They stood staring at one another, both too afraid to speak, neither wanting to let go. She closed her eyes as she let him pull her back to him, their kiss even deeper this time, hungrier, more frantic, until she once again abruptly broke away.

This time she let go of him and stepped back, tears in her eyes as she whispered, "I can't."

The look on his face brought by her words almost killed her, but she somehow she found the courage to look away. She turned and ran back to the door, closing it with a decisive thud and leaving him standing there, raindrops mixing with tears as he felt himself break a little bit more.

_I can't be with anyone_

_Since I felt our worlds collide_

_It's like I almost died_

God knows he tried. He tried as hard as he possibly could, but he couldn't forget, no matter where he went, who he picked up, what he did. Nothing could erase the memory of their kiss, of her face, of her arms as they pulled him close. It had been so long, an eternity of pain, since he'd felt anything like it, and to lose it almost as soon as he'd had it was too much. Simply too much.

He went back to work soon after, a surprise to few. He heard rumors of workplace wagers on how long it would take for him to break down and disappear again, rumors he traced back to its source. He didn't ask Morris why he'd do such a thing. Morris wasn't stupid.

He took to watching them everyday, watching their ups & downs, his mistakes, her own, their litany of reasons why they'd never work, the reasons why they didn't have a choice but to. He counted the ways he'd treat her better every day, every moment his eyes rested on her and every time that look of uncertainty and fear would cross her face.

_I will be the last to let you down_

_All your fears and doubts are hovering above you like a cloud_

_And the water's rising_

When he saw the engagement ring on her finger, he _had_ to do something. He had to let her know that she didn't need to do this, that inside she knew she didn't truly want to, and that he was there waiting, waiting for her to just say the word.

"What's going on?" she asked in confusion when she met him in the isolated corridor. He looked nervous, anxious, and the atmosphere felt too familiar to fit inside of her comfort zone.

He looked her over slowly, taking her in, coming in close enough to breathe her scent, before he looked in her eyes and urged quietly, "Don't do this, Chloe."

She knew what he was talking about without having to ask, and she felt her heart drop at the desperate tone of his voice. "Jack, please..."

"You're not happy," he went on, taking her face gently in his hands. "I can see it in your eyes, Chloe. You don't want this."

"Yes I do," she argued weakly.

"No," he replied quietly, "you don't."

The pain shimmering in her eyes was too much for him to handle. He pulled her close and kissed her, just as he had before. She melted into him once more, a stray tear escaping one eye as he pushed her against the wall, all of the frustration and the pain deserting both for one painfully short, stolen moment

_Now I can't breathe_

_Nothing's how it's supposed to be_

_How did you do this to me?_

He wanted to hold on tight and never let her go, to convince her with the sheer power of his will, but he didn't fight when she pushed him away.

""Jack, _please_, stop doing this. I'm begging you," she pleaded in a weary voice.

"_Why_?"

"Because, you don't mean it," she answered, "and all you'd do is leave me again. You always come back and it's always perfect, then you leave again. He's never left me. Not once."

"Chloe..."

"No," she shook her head. "stop it, Jack. Just stop it."

She bent her head and turned, walking away back to the safety of her workstation and her life. As he watched her, the pain shooting through his heart told him he couldn't handle watching her walk away from him one more time.

_I don't wanna be in love_

_I don't wanna feel this way_

_All I wanna do is leave_

_But all I can do is stay_

He'd long been used to an empty bed. Loneliness had become a numb companion to life, an accepted daily routine...until now. He'd lie awake and fight with his own mind, his own thoughts, his own heart. He didn't know when things had changed so drastically, only that they _had_, and that he was trapped here until the day when he could turn over to find her lying next to him. He didn't want anything else, didn't crave anything else, needed no one else but her.

_Nights and days go by and I can't wait to touch your face again_

She was out of his reach. For once, she was out of his reach, and only then had he realized how utterly empty he was without her near him.

_I could be the first to let you know_

_That I can't be with anyone_

_Since I felt our worlds collide_

_It's like I almost died_

_The way you make me feel_

_I'm changing, got me breaking down inside_

_Baby can't you see_

_You ruined me_

The only other bride that had stunned him as deeply was his own, his heart pounding at the sight of her walking down the aisle. The new life growing inside of her served only to make her sight even more striking, more heartbreaking as she passed him by on her way to the altar where her groom awaited. He swallowed hard and braced himself, the air leaving his lungs as she took her place before the pastor.

Morris spoke first, so carefully and perfectly as always, proudly placing his hands on her belly as he vowed to stand by her and their child for as long as he lived, his sincerity doubted by no one. His words brought her to tears, though Jack was the only one to wonder whether it was from joy.

When it was her turn to speak, he watched her intently, eyes fixed on hers as she struggled to get through her vows. Never one for public speaking, this was on another level entirely. She sighed audibly when it was over, affectionate chuckles spreading throughout the church at the sound. She glanced over to him and felt her heart skip when she saw the look on his face. The pastor's voice shook her back to the present.

She slipped the ring on her groom's finger after he said I do. She took a deep breath as the pastor turned to her. She heard his question, looked down at the ring Morris held in his fingertips, and watched her future flash before her eyes as she felt rather than saw Jack's eyes on her. Her heart started racing and her mind started screaming, her hands shaking slightly as she closed her eyes and tried to find her voice.

_I don't wanna be in love_

_I don't wanna feel this way_

His mouth dropped open just slightly as his eyes beheld the groom, full of love and full of pride as he kissed his bride. His heart almost stopped at the sight, despite the fact that he hadn't really expected anything different. But he'd hoped, and it seemed so incredibly stupid now. He lowered his head and stared at his feet as all the others surrounding him smiled and looked on as the couple finally broke their kiss and gave each other sweet smiles. He couldn't bear to watch,only faintly hearing the sounds of clapping rise through the atmosphere as the newlyweds turned to head back down the aisle.

Cameras flashed and mirrored blinding smiles, but Jack finally raised his eyes and fixed them on the bride as she came ever closer, not surprised that she wore a nervous smile and was keeping her head bent down low to avoid the people and the noise. But halfway down the aisle she couldn't help herself, and she reluctantly, almost shyly, let the gaze of the one person who knew her well enough to understand what the others didn't, to know that she wasn't as happy as she looked, and to know that a fire burned inside of her that the man at her side may never be able to touch.

Their eyes spoke a silent conversation, silent pleas heard only by their ears and nobody else's, a lifetime of hurt playing out in that split second they stole from, and for, each other. Before either could realize it was gone, replaced by distance as she walked out the door and into her new life, while he watched a life that he _could _have had, and _should_ have had, leave with her, without so much as a goodbye. Maybe he didn't deserve a goodbye. Maybe he'd never deserved a hello.

It didn't change a thing, not for him. He took a breath and fought the tears stinging his eyes as he steadied his feet and headed out of the church himself, his heart feeling heavier with each and every step. He held himself together until he cleared the church, cleared the watchful stares of well-meaning people, until he found his solitude and his new old life inside of an empty house and an empty bed. There he brought an end to the show, the act that he played so well in front of others. There he broke.

_I don't wanna be in love_

_I don't wanna feel this way_

_All I wanna do is leave_

_You ruined me for life_


End file.
